Perfectly, Imperfect

Hello Again,

So, I have chosen on this rainy gloomy night to skip out on yoga and have a ME NIGHT in with my cup of Teechino :) Sounds beyond perfect to me! I am feeling VERY empowered!  I finally finished "goodbye ed, hello me" by Jenni Schaefer and like "Life Without Ed" it was AMAZING! Truly a great inspiration and motivation.  I just adore Jenni!

I am actually really quiet proud of myself.  I have chosen not to go to the gym and do yoga tonight.  I was able to distinguish and determine my motive behind going.  Tonight, it would not have been to enjoy and relax, but for a work out.  I truly have been dragging my bum all day, and need some relaxing me time.  I am very sore from the gym yesterday, so being in tuned with my body enough to realize that is a huge step for me.  I have contentiously been working on getting to know myself, and tapping into my inner being.  I am beginning to feel happier and rejuvenated already!  Today at work I was searching for yoga or self discovery retreats.  I have found a few, but they are quiet expensive.  I will be looking into some more later on tonight.

For the first time, in a long time, or maybe even ever I feel amazing just sitting in my house alone with my kitty writing.  There is a pure tranquility, peace, and quiet that rests upon me.  Room for me to think, expand, and explore with no interruptions.  This life is so precious!  I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I no longer want to just "live" day-to-day going through the motions.  I want to really feel, see, experience life to the fullest.  I want to experience and explore real true happiness.  I no longer want to be binnded, hindered, distracted, or held hostage to negative self image/ body image.  I know longer will be held captive by what I believe others think of me.  I will no longer hear myself very last, and society and this world first.  I am ready to treat myself the way I treat my friends and family with kindness, respect, patients, and love.

I feel like I have been just passing through this life, but not truly stopping to take in all its beauty.  I want to walk along the beach of Costa Rica at sunrise.  Let me re-phrase that sentence.  I WILL walk along the beach of Costa Rica at sunrise.  It may not be tomorrow, but I definitely will in the near future.  I am forever supporting, motivating, and encouraging others to reach their goals and dreams.  Am I not that much more important and special to myself? OF COURSE I am!  I may not 110% feel it right now...But I will FAKE it, till I MAKE it :) ! This life is far to short and precious to be obsessing over "PERFECTION" that is not attainable.  I want to be and will be broken free from the chains of PERFECTIONISM!

I have been so consumed by body image, and what other people think of me for so long that no doubt this will be challenging.  I for the most part "naturally" criticize myself all the time.  I have FOREVER been chasing "happiness" and its never been attained.  I mean the real, true, pure happiness.  I have come to the conclusion that up until this point in my life I have used weight, body image, and perfectionism to mask my true inner self.  I have been chasing "perfection" or so society tells us for so long that it seems natural.  I wonder if I will ever feel completely comfortable in my own body?  I have faith and hope I will.  I need to change my entire mind set from "how I look" to "who I am".  That is whats really important.  I need to nurture my inner being, and build her up.  Allow her to see the real, true inner beauty.  I need to let go of societies views that have brainwashed me into being consumed by: my body image, what to eat, what not to eat for years.  Seriously, I need to get to a point where I am intuitive to eating, working out, and relaxing.  When I am able to trust my body, and really feel how strong and perfectly it is made.  This body of mine has been through so much.  I have beat it up, hurt it, starved it.  When I think about it now...I would NEVER beat someone, hurt them, or starve them...but I did to myself for years.  I would NEVER deprive someone of the things, people, foods, and enjoyments they love...but I did to myself.  I would NEVER punish a little innocent child that had nothing to do with life circumstances...but I did myself.  Now that I really think about it.  My body is so strong.  My body took so much abuse and still is thriving today.  How I hurt something so beautiful and pure breaks my heart.  The thought that I would NEVER do that to anyone else, but was fine doing it to myself is awful.  I punished myself for things that where way out of my control.  At the time I had no idea what I was doing contentiously.  I have never thought of it this way.  I really need to nurture myself back to full health (mind, body, soul).  My body, mind, and spirit have been through so much!  It needs to be cared for, patients, love, and time to grow.  My mind, body, and soul for the first time need to be listened to.  I need to stop working against myself, and work with myself.  I need to no longer follow anyone elses rules, but make my own.  I need to rebuild myself back up.  I need to re change me entire though process.  I need to for the first time in a long time really feel emotions (happy, sad, painful, exciting).  I need to really feel in order to fully accept and move forward.  I no longer will "hide" behind negative body image, perfectionism or obsessions.  I will sit with feelings, experience them, and move forward (though it will be extremely uncomfortable and painful).  I am ready to truly dive into happiness.  To experience happiness and know what it means, I must experience hurt, anger, and sadness as well.  I am ready to let go, and live my life to the fullest!

This quote speaks so clear to me right now.  I read it earlier, but did not feel clarity.  I am deciding to be aware of my thoughts, and sit with them...but not believe the lies that have conditioned me for many years.  I am deciding to be in tuned with my mind, body, and soul.  To trust myself, and to feel the emotions.  I no longer will be consumed by the thoughts them self.  I will be set free and find my way out! The empowering thing is: I hold the key! I just need to find it deep within me :) !

Cass xoxo

Journey to Me ...

....

Well this is all so very new to me, to say the least..I am not entirely sure where to begin or what to do for that matter.  My thoughts may be all over the place at times, but I will try my very best to open up and make as much sense as possible. Again, this is all new to me.  Lets think of it as...as you are getting to know me, I am getting to know me as well.

Well here is goes.  I will begin by introducing myself.  My name is Cassaundra, Cass for short.  To be honest I am really starting to get to know myself as we speak.  It truly has been a long journey to this point, but I am excited to take the next step.  Getting to this point has not been easy, and I do not expect getting to know myself will come without challenges (but then again anything worth while never is).  I find the thought of becoming my very own best friend exciting!  It seems each day that passes I find something out about myself that I love.  In the past I never gave myself credit.  I would beat myself down so bad.  Looking back now, I hated myself clearly.   I am beginning to see that I truly am an awesome chick :) !  I truly have so much to offer.  I am learning to treat myself, like I treat my friends and family.

Lets rewind back...At the age of 18 I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa.  Over the last 6 years I have worked extremely hard on healing myself, regaining weight, separating eating disorder tendencies and so on.  I have now reached a point where "ED" (eating disorder) does not determine what I eat or don't eat for that matter.  I am now at a much healthier weight, and have regained back control over my own life. THANK GOD!  Now that my life as Cass is separate and no longer has "ED" in it, I must get to know the real me.  For as long as I can remember my life revolved around "ED".  Though I eat, and carry on a normal life, there is still one aspect that I need to work on to be "FULLY RECOVERED".   Up until a week or so ago I considered myself recovered.  I kept thinking if I am fully recovered- why do I not truly feel happy with myself? my body image? or why am I still so concerned about putting weight on? what other people think of me? and so on...Though I am, and have been for awhile now a healthy weight, eating well, and much healthier then I was, there is still a part of me (a thread) that is holding onto "ED" and that is with my negative self body image.  I am dedicated to doing whatever it takes to build a positive self image, and truly get to know myself.  I truly adore Jenni Schaefer, author of "Life Without Ed" and the book I am just finishing up "goodbye ed, hello me".  She truly is an inspiration.  Jenni has motivated and strengthened me to not just settle for being "in recovery" but to fully let it all go and be "RECOVERED".  Jenni has opened my eyes that it does not need to be a constant battle or fight.  That I can learn to love myself, be truly happy, have a positive body image, not feel guilty at all for eating anything, and learn to love my body.  This is going to be a process I am sure!  The thought of being 110% completely free, and loving myself makes me so excited!  I cant entirely understand how I will get there, but have the hope that it is possible.  For as long as I can remember, I cant think of a time I was truly happy or had positive self body image.

As I sit here and drink my tea before bed, so many thoughts are running through my mind.  I am feeling so empowered and anxious (in a positive way) to truly reach happiness.  I am happy day-to-day.  But not true self happiness and acceptance.  I do not know where each day will bring me, where to begin, and how to stay on track...But, I do know that I am so worth it, and daily will make a conscious effort to tap into my inner self.  Really listen to what I am saying inside.  Build up this still little insecure girl inside, to be the confident woman she longs to develop into.  The confident women comes out a lot, but I want her to stay out, love herself, appreciate how God made her, focus on enjoying life, not obsessing over PERFECTION.  Perfection is for an entirely other blog, for another time.  Negative body image, and the need for absolute un-attainable perfection go hand in hand. (The last part of ED before he's completely dead).  I no longer want to just live day-to-day and be mediocre happy.  I was to find true, pure, self love, acceptance, and happiness.  Not happiness that depends on others, or short lived "things" (ie vacation, friends ect.)  True happiness that is felt within the soul.  At this point if I a honest with myself, I am not sure what "happiness" will look like.  I do know in the days to come, this will become much clearer.  Just the thought of being truly happy has me feeling very excited.  I want to no longer be consumed by: being thin, obsessing over everything (cleaning house, being busy, beating self up for relaxing ect).  I long to tap into my inner being and intuitively eat, and live.  To be able to hear myself and be in tuned with my body, mind, and soul.  To truly find what makes me happy and do it!  Not constantly be worrying about things that really can be done tomorrow.  Taking the time to listen to my body and what it needs.

I am off to relax and finish reading "goodbye ed, hello me".  I do not know what tomorrow will bring or look like, but I do know that one day at a time, one step at a time, and being patient with myself I can find TRUE HAPPINESS.  I have vowed to myself to be gentle, understanding, patient, compassionate, and loving.  To take each day at the pace my mind, body, and soul wants to!  To not put unreasonable demands on myself, and to work damn hard on loving self and breaking the chains of PERFECTION!  To no longer beat myself up.  To not make "rules" if my body is not feeling up to going to the gym, then relax.  Really tap in to my inner self.  I am vowing to take the time to do the things I know I love (as of now).  Eat great food, read great books, go for nice long nature walks with Sean and Tequila, enjoying a cup or 5 of tea or coffee( I can choose what I feel like at the time...cream or milk ha), watch Drop Dead Diva, sit in my backyard, do a yoga or body flow class at the gym.  I vow to make much needed me time, to do the things I love.

Well, this is all for tonight! Sweet Dreams xoxo