Journey to Me ...

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Well this is all so very new to me, to say the least..I am not entirely sure where to begin or what to do for that matter.  My thoughts may be all over the place at times, but I will try my very best to open up and make as much sense as possible. Again, this is all new to me.  Lets think of it as...as you are getting to know me, I am getting to know me as well.

Well here is goes.  I will begin by introducing myself.  My name is Cassaundra, Cass for short.  To be honest I am really starting to get to know myself as we speak.  It truly has been a long journey to this point, but I am excited to take the next step.  Getting to this point has not been easy, and I do not expect getting to know myself will come without challenges (but then again anything worth while never is).  I find the thought of becoming my very own best friend exciting!  It seems each day that passes I find something out about myself that I love.  In the past I never gave myself credit.  I would beat myself down so bad.  Looking back now, I hated myself clearly.   I am beginning to see that I truly am an awesome chick :) !  I truly have so much to offer.  I am learning to treat myself, like I treat my friends and family.

Lets rewind back...At the age of 18 I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa.  Over the last 6 years I have worked extremely hard on healing myself, regaining weight, separating eating disorder tendencies and so on.  I have now reached a point where "ED" (eating disorder) does not determine what I eat or don't eat for that matter.  I am now at a much healthier weight, and have regained back control over my own life. THANK GOD!  Now that my life as Cass is separate and no longer has "ED" in it, I must get to know the real me.  For as long as I can remember my life revolved around "ED".  Though I eat, and carry on a normal life, there is still one aspect that I need to work on to be "FULLY RECOVERED".   Up until a week or so ago I considered myself recovered.  I kept thinking if I am fully recovered- why do I not truly feel happy with myself? my body image? or why am I still so concerned about putting weight on? what other people think of me? and so on...Though I am, and have been for awhile now a healthy weight, eating well, and much healthier then I was, there is still a part of me (a thread) that is holding onto "ED" and that is with my negative self body image.  I am dedicated to doing whatever it takes to build a positive self image, and truly get to know myself.  I truly adore Jenni Schaefer, author of "Life Without Ed" and the book I am just finishing up "goodbye ed, hello me".  She truly is an inspiration.  Jenni has motivated and strengthened me to not just settle for being "in recovery" but to fully let it all go and be "RECOVERED".  Jenni has opened my eyes that it does not need to be a constant battle or fight.  That I can learn to love myself, be truly happy, have a positive body image, not feel guilty at all for eating anything, and learn to love my body.  This is going to be a process I am sure!  The thought of being 110% completely free, and loving myself makes me so excited!  I cant entirely understand how I will get there, but have the hope that it is possible.  For as long as I can remember, I cant think of a time I was truly happy or had positive self body image.

As I sit here and drink my tea before bed, so many thoughts are running through my mind.  I am feeling so empowered and anxious (in a positive way) to truly reach happiness.  I am happy day-to-day.  But not true self happiness and acceptance.  I do not know where each day will bring me, where to begin, and how to stay on track...But, I do know that I am so worth it, and daily will make a conscious effort to tap into my inner self.  Really listen to what I am saying inside.  Build up this still little insecure girl inside, to be the confident woman she longs to develop into.  The confident women comes out a lot, but I want her to stay out, love herself, appreciate how God made her, focus on enjoying life, not obsessing over PERFECTION.  Perfection is for an entirely other blog, for another time.  Negative body image, and the need for absolute un-attainable perfection go hand in hand. (The last part of ED before he's completely dead).  I no longer want to just live day-to-day and be mediocre happy.  I was to find true, pure, self love, acceptance, and happiness.  Not happiness that depends on others, or short lived "things" (ie vacation, friends ect.)  True happiness that is felt within the soul.  At this point if I a honest with myself, I am not sure what "happiness" will look like.  I do know in the days to come, this will become much clearer.  Just the thought of being truly happy has me feeling very excited.  I want to no longer be consumed by: being thin, obsessing over everything (cleaning house, being busy, beating self up for relaxing ect).  I long to tap into my inner being and intuitively eat, and live.  To be able to hear myself and be in tuned with my body, mind, and soul.  To truly find what makes me happy and do it!  Not constantly be worrying about things that really can be done tomorrow.  Taking the time to listen to my body and what it needs.

I am off to relax and finish reading "goodbye ed, hello me".  I do not know what tomorrow will bring or look like, but I do know that one day at a time, one step at a time, and being patient with myself I can find TRUE HAPPINESS.  I have vowed to myself to be gentle, understanding, patient, compassionate, and loving.  To take each day at the pace my mind, body, and soul wants to!  To not put unreasonable demands on myself, and to work damn hard on loving self and breaking the chains of PERFECTION!  To no longer beat myself up.  To not make "rules" if my body is not feeling up to going to the gym, then relax.  Really tap in to my inner self.  I am vowing to take the time to do the things I know I love (as of now).  Eat great food, read great books, go for nice long nature walks with Sean and Tequila, enjoying a cup or 5 of tea or coffee( I can choose what I feel like at the time...cream or milk ha), watch Drop Dead Diva, sit in my backyard, do a yoga or body flow class at the gym.  I vow to make much needed me time, to do the things I love.

Well, this is all for tonight! Sweet Dreams xoxo