So, I have chosen on this rainy gloomy night to skip out on yoga and have a ME NIGHT in with my cup of Teechino :) Sounds beyond perfect to me! I am feeling VERY empowered! I finally finished "goodbye ed, hello me" by Jenni Schaefer and like "Life Without Ed" it was AMAZING! Truly a great inspiration and motivation. I just adore Jenni!
I am actually really quiet proud of myself. I have chosen not to go to the gym and do yoga tonight. I was able to distinguish and determine my motive behind going. Tonight, it would not have been to enjoy and relax, but for a work out. I truly have been dragging my bum all day, and need some relaxing me time. I am very sore from the gym yesterday, so being in tuned with my body enough to realize that is a huge step for me. I have contentiously been working on getting to know myself, and tapping into my inner being. I am beginning to feel happier and rejuvenated already! Today at work I was searching for yoga or self discovery retreats. I have found a few, but they are quiet expensive. I will be looking into some more later on tonight.
For the first time, in a long time, or maybe even ever I feel amazing just sitting in my house alone with my kitty writing. There is a pure tranquility, peace, and quiet that rests upon me. Room for me to think, expand, and explore with no interruptions. This life is so precious! I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I no longer want to just "live" day-to-day going through the motions. I want to really feel, see, experience life to the fullest. I want to experience and explore real true happiness. I no longer want to be binnded, hindered, distracted, or held hostage to negative self image/ body image. I know longer will be held captive by what I believe others think of me. I will no longer hear myself very last, and society and this world first. I am ready to treat myself the way I treat my friends and family with kindness, respect, patients, and love.
I feel like I have been just passing through this life, but not truly stopping to take in all its beauty. I want to walk along the beach of Costa Rica at sunrise. Let me re-phrase that sentence. I WILL walk along the beach of Costa Rica at sunrise. It may not be tomorrow, but I definitely will in the near future. I am forever supporting, motivating, and encouraging others to reach their goals and dreams. Am I not that much more important and special to myself? OF COURSE I am! I may not 110% feel it right now...But I will FAKE it, till I MAKE it :) ! This life is far to short and precious to be obsessing over "PERFECTION" that is not attainable. I want to be and will be broken free from the chains of PERFECTIONISM!
I have been so consumed by body image, and what other people think of me for so long that no doubt this will be challenging. I for the most part "naturally" criticize myself all the time. I have FOREVER been chasing "happiness" and its never been attained. I mean the real, true, pure happiness. I have come to the conclusion that up until this point in my life I have used weight, body image, and perfectionism to mask my true inner self. I have been chasing "perfection" or so society tells us for so long that it seems natural. I wonder if I will ever feel completely comfortable in my own body? I have faith and hope I will. I need to change my entire mind set from "how I look" to "who I am". That is whats really important. I need to nurture my inner being, and build her up. Allow her to see the real, true inner beauty. I need to let go of societies views that have brainwashed me into being consumed by: my body image, what to eat, what not to eat for years. Seriously, I need to get to a point where I am intuitive to eating, working out, and relaxing. When I am able to trust my body, and really feel how strong and perfectly it is made. This body of mine has been through so much. I have beat it up, hurt it, starved it. When I think about it now...I would NEVER beat someone, hurt them, or starve them...but I did to myself for years. I would NEVER deprive someone of the things, people, foods, and enjoyments they love...but I did to myself. I would NEVER punish a little innocent child that had nothing to do with life circumstances...but I did myself. Now that I really think about it. My body is so strong. My body took so much abuse and still is thriving today. How I hurt something so beautiful and pure breaks my heart. The thought that I would NEVER do that to anyone else, but was fine doing it to myself is awful. I punished myself for things that where way out of my control. At the time I had no idea what I was doing contentiously. I have never thought of it this way. I really need to nurture myself back to full health (mind, body, soul). My body, mind, and spirit have been through so much! It needs to be cared for, patients, love, and time to grow. My mind, body, and soul for the first time need to be listened to. I need to stop working against myself, and work with myself. I need to no longer follow anyone elses rules, but make my own. I need to rebuild myself back up. I need to re change me entire though process. I need to for the first time in a long time really feel emotions (happy, sad, painful, exciting). I need to really feel in order to fully accept and move forward. I no longer will "hide" behind negative body image, perfectionism or obsessions. I will sit with feelings, experience them, and move forward (though it will be extremely uncomfortable and painful). I am ready to truly dive into happiness. To experience happiness and know what it means, I must experience hurt, anger, and sadness as well. I am ready to let go, and live my life to the fullest!
Cass xoxo
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